Abducted by Aliens or A Visit to the Dentist

There is nothing worse than a toothache. Awesome pain and the inevitable visit to the dentist. (By the way, the second worse thing in life is an earache, but at least you don't have to see a dentist.) I am a dental phobic. Just thinking about going to the dentist gives me a panic attack. Last week I got a terrible toothache and a sinking feeling developed deep in my stomach. After a quick exam our family dentist announced I needed a root canal. The worst news! I would rather go through labor and have another baby than have a root canal. (A truth adopted from my friend, Wendy). My consultation with the endodontist occurred the following morning.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting the endodontist, I'll outline my experience here. After checking in, I was taken for x-rays. Getting dental x-rays is about as fun as getting sand in your eye. If there is one area that is seriously in the dark ages, its the dental world. They still use the same system for x-rays that was used when I was a child. Thirty years later and medical science hasn't come up with something new? Giant machine; enormous plastic film thing in your mouth that somehow you're supposed to bite down on. This is about 212 times more fun to do when you have a terrible toothache by the way. Last week, I had to do this twice because the first time I didn't bite down all the way. (Um...of course I didn't. I have a toothache!) After the x-rays I met the endodontist, who was a lovely young woman in blue scrubs named Dr. R. Dr. R took my history, looked at the x-rays and then poked around in my mouth for a few minutes. She confirmed that I did need a RC and then proceeded to pleasantly do the "cold test." The cold test is a torture technique they save for special patients. The dentist takes a cotton Q-tip, sprays it heavily with liquid nitrogen and touches your tooth to see if you pass out in pain. (Note: if your tooth needs a root canal, this will hurt worse than kidney stones). So, Dr. R takes her nasty Q-tip and begins the torture. "Do you feel it here? How about here? Tell me when you feel it here?" I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

At this point, Dr. R and I have a discussion about dental treatment history and options and she recommends dental anxiety sedation. This means that my dental phobia is confirmed. Actually Dr. R tells me that a lot of patients use this treatment option and that she herself would use it if she had to have a root canal. The medication is relaxing and helps you keep your mouth open for the 2.5 hour procedure. I agree to the treatment for a few reasons:

1. Holding my mouth open for long periods of time makes me feel panicky.
2. I feel like I'm suffocating if I have to wear a rubber dam over my mouth.
3. I'm a dental phobic.

The night before the procedure, I am a mess. I tell Chance that I can't do it 100 times. I keep thinking that having this procedure feels like voluntarily giving myself to aliens to perform tests. No sane person would do that and it just felt crazy to me to voluntarily lie down, open my mouth and allow someone to stick needles, drills and other tools of torment into my mouth. And then pay them for it. Its like being abducted by aliens - on purpose! And some of my favorite people in the world are dentists. Really. Sorry guys.

I arrived for my appointment Monday morning about 1 hour early for the anti-anxiety medication. Basically, I swallow some pills and play with my iPhone for 40 minutes. When the dental assistant led me back to the treatment room, I didn't feel very altered at all. I do think my anxiety level was fairly low. I didn't freak out and start hyperventilating when they placed the prop to keep my mouth open or put the rubber dam over my face. Dr. R gave me the injections (which was very unpleasant) and then I fell asleep. I woke up a few times because I'm fairly certain I was snoring and woke myself up. In no time, the root canal was finished and Chance picked me up. He tells me that I looked like a dementia patient when I walked out. Everyone helped me stagger to the car and I came home and slept for five hours. I woke up in time to eat dinner, have a phone-text conversation with my sister that I have no memory of, said goodnight to the kids and went back to bed a while later.

I think the drugs were totally worth it for me. I am happy to have little memory of the entire experience. We'll see how I feel if my snoring body winds up on YouTube.

"Some tortures are physical

And some are mental,

But the one that is both

Is dental."

~Ogden Nash, American Poet